Where is My Mind

It's hard to believe it's been over a year since I first penned these journal entries (remember that I wrote my 2014 journal entries in a 2013 diary?) and a lot has changed since then. These feelings of uncertainty towards my partner have since been resolved, or rather I was able to express them and feel so much better for it. We're back together now but that feeling of freedom and being in touch with my own body and soul was so grounding. Anyway given that I spent a lot of time composing these thoughts and creating little doodles to accompany them I thought they needed to exist online as well as tangibly. Or that maybe someone would find these photos at just the right time and deem it some sort of miracle and take comfort in these words frozen on the page. The human experience is always an embarrassing debacle but there are rare moments of exceptional beauty. Not the stuff of art films but memories which crystallize in our minds and we will hold on to for decades to come. I take comfort knowing that people have extended such kindness and warmth to me in the past, and those moment are just as powerful as being told that I am loved. In those moments words are not needed, I feel it all around me and there can be nothing more perfect or powerful.

Caitlin Price Fall 2014

London Fashion Week is nothing without a bit of controversy and it seems that Fall 2015 was unfortunately not an exception to the rule. The collection which had the most lasting affect for me was Caitlin Price. From the outset it looked wonderful and the clothes were this amazing blend of sportswear luxe and runway carpet dress but ugh, we just have to talk about the gelled baby hairs first. Now, Susie Bubble defended the creative choice and mentioned something along the lines of white people doing this long before it became the Internet sensation that it has now but when I tried to research about styled babyhairs in a historic context, I couldn't find anything. Which leads me to believe that it's all bullshit and in any case, its very clear what aesthetic Price used as her inspiration. In any case it does not seem correct for someone who is white to profit off a subculture or hairstyle which was created out of necessity by women of colour. It's also worth mentioning that the opinion of someone who is Chinese, regarding cultural appropriation or the social struggles of black women is inconsequential.

While I was impressed with the pleated silk ribbons and intricate spirals on tracksuits and dresses alike, I can't help but feel guilty about liking this collection. I am in love with the idea of Princess Leia out jogging in some of these crazy outfits with her signature buns. However, I'm disappointed that not more people were calling out cultural appropriation for what it was, and that people were willing to actively defend it. If you are confused about this, or do not see what the issue is I highly recommend watching this video by Amandla Stenberg. Also, just on a final note, I was also grossed out when scanning the comments section on instagram that two users were arguing over who could do the best babycurls? Like literally two girls were stroking each others egos, AS IF YOU SHOULD COMPETE OVER WHO CAN PERPETUATE CULTURAL APPROPRIATION, LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???

*Images via Fashion Glossary UK

debutante

A secret narcissistic desire of mine was to have my picture taken at an event wearing a totally cute outfit and hanging out with a bunch of babes, basically since I was about sixteen. About a month ago now my wish came true but at terrible, terrible costs:
I'm not going to sugar coat it, it's a terrible photo of me wearing the derpiest cheesy smile ever? This photo was taken for The Thousands which is a cool Melbourne based website and they called me cute anyway (thanks guys!). I wish I had bitch-faced and done something different with my arms but Amy (centre) and Kelly (right) look totally amazing and I'm glad I got to take photos of their outfits. But yeah, I wish this wasn't the only photo of all three of us. *Reminder* you can be twenty one years old and still look about twelve when you have unkept messy baby hairs cradling your forehead compared to goddess women.

where do I belong?

Basically after completing my "I'm a Scientist Too" post and feeling on top of the world, I was asked to stop using the lab space as an office and it opened up so many old scars about not fitting in and my general existence being a detriment to other people. I like working where I do because I get to talk to other people about their research, and felt like I was part of the scientific community. Now being pushed aside and toppled off my perch I just feel at a total loss for words and lack any motivation to complete my work. I never cried at uni until that afternoon when I had to quick as I could run to a bathroom stall because I could not for the life of me hold it in anymore. Contrary to popular belief, women don't cry in order to get attention or get their own way and I can never dispel the feeling of complete and utter shame when salty tears involuntarily roll down my cheeks. I'm sorry, I don't like to add to the noise of the Internet and generally avoid self-serving posts but I just feel like in order to create distance between myself and this sense of displacement they needed to exist in a place outside of my own head.

I didn't like the way in which I was asked, how I was spoken to but what hurt was the feeling that I didn't belong because I finally thought I had everything figured out. I would go on to do a PhD, continue doing work which I loved and felt passionate about which would be difficult but rewarding in the end. It never occurred to me that the work environment would suddenly become hostile or that my legitimacy would be questioned. Nor did I consider that in that situation I would be unable to do anything to help my situation or that it would totally change how I function and where I complete my work. There's not a lot I can do other than stay out of their way and at home, since I need the assistance of this person in my research and I'm going to have to complete field work with them. I'm just super bummed out about the whole situation and feel like in the workplace we are still subject to the same childish games we had to endure in high school and frankly it's a real let down. Maybe things never really get better, they just get different. 

1- Heavenly Creatures (1994), 2- The Virgin Suicides (1999), 3- Photography by Gregory Crewdson, 4, 5- days of sleep by somnials and staticpool modelling, 6, 8- Hilary Faye Sloane, 9- still from an Alfred Hitchcock film, 10- Style Rookie, 12 & 13- via Style Abuse. 7 & 11- source.

I'm a Scientist Too

So this is something I've managed to avoid or at least delay for the last three or so years. Now that I'm a month into my honours and have technically finishing my undergrad degree it's time to face facts: I'm a scientist. It's something that I've only ever mentioned in passing, or heavily down played under some kind of false modesty because saying it out loud on the Internet is an incredibly scary thing. I felt taking pride in my achievements would make me some kind of bad person, but I should be proud that I have a BSc with a double major in geology and a double minor in biology. I suppose I was reluctant to address this at the end of last year while I waited to receive the news on whether I had been accepted into honours. I've always kept quiet about this because I felt concerned that this would somehow make my opinions about fashion less valid. The other scenario is that researchers would find my fashion blog and that my academic work would be taken less seriously. The worst scenario is that I would be forced out of science on the basis that I like clothing. It's taken me a very long time but I've finally realised that one shouldn't detract from the other and anyone who thinks so is not worth my time. Unfortunately the fact remains that some very influential people within science may object to how I dress.


My project is on palaeontology and focuses on the analysis and identification of organic inclusions in amber from south-eastern Australia. Basically I'm looking for plant material as well as any insects and other invertebrates. I'd like to think that I'm doing work related to Jurassic Park, but without the cloning and addition of frog DNA (plus genetic material has a half-life on the scale of thousands of years rather than millions of years but whatever). So far it's been a lot of work but I've been very lucky to work on a project which I love and am already considering a PhD next year- if I get the grades.

Thank you to Annika Victoria from the Pineneedle Collective for largely inspiring this discussion and giving me the courage to give form to these thoughts. By keeping silent for so long about my involvement in science I was actually contributing to the perpetuation of a stereotype that scientists are always white straight cis men and usually upper or middle class. Dismantling this pre-conceived idea not only helps the next generation of budding scientists, but also helps women already in science (of which, there are few). The women who are in science are typically stereotyped as some kind of hero for balancing their home and work life. This is something I've discussed with a good friend from university and we're both sick and tired of hearing this repeated over and over again. 

*Photos via Rookie Mag: Dinosaur Jr